Down and Out at Thirty

People always say you have to network to get a job. It’s true.

But there are people who can actually help you.

And there are people who can’t.

I know times are desperate. And you should follow up on every lead. But I’m telling you. I have followed up on these leads. It isn’t worth it. And I will tell you something else. If you meet a douchebag and this douchebag is employed, it doesn’t mean you have to be a douchebag to be employed. In an on-going series, “Don’t Network With This Person,” I ferret out the douchebags for you. And, in the process, win an award for repeating the word douchebag four times in one blog post. Ok, technically five.

This is a real douchebag. No. Like, for real for real. Ok. Six times.

For instance. Let’s say you’re at your friend’s birthday party. This friend is kind and knows you’re unemployed. This friend says, “Meet Ted. He works in PR.” Of course, you don’t know what makes you sicker: the prospect of having to talk to Ted or the idea that your friend thinks you should be in PR. And you almost want to fake diarrhea or some other stomach ailment where you can run and hide in the bathroom and no one will ask any questions. But you don’t. Because your friend is nice. And it’s her birthday. Anyway. That aside. You stay and talk to Ted.

But wait. Just as you’re about to give him a chance and ask about his job, he gets a call on his phone. He puts his finger up in the “one minute” gesture. You look around and think it might be your chance to exit. He sees you inching away and does the waving you back hand move. Like you’re in his office or something. So you stay. And he talks for like five more minutes. And says stuff to the person on the other end of the phone call like, “I was thinking of throwing the frisbee around with the guys tomorrow and then maybe catching Garden State on TBS.”

You look around desperately for someone else who heard what he just said. Then he ends his call.

And turns to you.

The next thing you know, it’s like you got caught in a worm hole where the entire party begins to speed by you in frames like a slideshow set to the song “New Slang.” But in a bad way. Because this was a song you really did love once. Until people like Ted adopted it. And then it became like Pinkberry or French bulldogs. Where it’s not like you hate the song or the yogurt or the dog.  You just hate the vast majority of people who like those things.

It took me a long time to like Natalie Portman after this.

Then you sense that Ted is finally sputtering to a close. And you hear what he’s been saying for the last hour. And this is what he’s been saying: Green energy is the only issue of our time! I can tell you’re into being green. We’re cut from the same cloth. Forget abortion, forget gun control! Who cares about all that! SOLAR PANELS! WIND ENERGY! CANOLA OIL LIMO!

And then your boyfriend arrives. And you almost weep for joy. Until. Ted corners your boyfriend. And spits in his drink. While screaming “Weatherize your house!”

Look. It’s not like you’re not into the environment. And it’s not like all people who are into the environment are bad. They aren’t. It’s just that, for some reason, environmentalism is a cause that is very often taken up by Total Douchebags. Seven times.

[photo via Dallas Observer]

Tags: douchebag, french bulldogs, green energy, networking, new slang, pinkberry, the environment, the shins